enough

Today was my last full day away. We (C, G, and I) drove down the coast to Carmel, spent a few hours at the beach in Los Lobos National Park, took a mini-hike in the same park, and then went to Monterey for dinner at an all-American diner complete with stars-and-stripes flag toothpicks. It was a great day, with loads of fresh air and sunshine, great company, and time to play. I was barefoot on the beach, walking in the surf, feeling the wind against my skin. Perfect.

I'm particularly proud of myself for beating back end-of-holiday dread this morning. This is the dread that often shortens my holidays by a full day or two. I woke up this morning feeling anxious about all that faces me when I get back, all that I've put on hold for the last week and a half, the to-do list I have to launch into. The analogy that comes to mind is the oft repeated scene in the old TV series, 'Get Smart', when Agent 99 and Agent 86 get caught in a room that, like a giant trash compactor, slowly but determinedly closes in on them. This morning I felt that wall coming closer and closer, threatening to crush the potential pleasure of my last day here under the weight of the work and obligations and responsibilities that wait for me. I decided it was time for a major effort to embrace the Sacrament of the Present Moment, and stay in California today rather than wander the dark, worry-rideen corridors of my mind and miss out on all the great scenery. Thanks be to God, I did it. Like I said, it was a great day.

On the drive home, having watched the sun set over the velvet hills of Northern California, feeling the effects of all that fresh air and sunshine, and enjoying a conversation with my friend of many years, we ended up talking about how I'm not really ready to go home and she's not really ready for me to go. We decided this was the best way for it to be-- certainly better than either of us feeling like I'd overstayed my welcome. Earlier in the drive, we'd talked a bit about Spark Guy and how, even if things never really develop for me in that relationship, it is somehow enough to know that there are guys out there that I can still connect with at that level. In the same way, even though I have to end this vacation far sooner than I'd like, even though I don't feel fully restored and ready to take on the world again, it's somehow enough to have had this fabulous interlude. My time here has been a reminder of what it feels like to not rush about, to savour a relaxed hour, to not be the one making all the decisions, to skip the endless "to do" lists for a little while. More would be good. More would be great. But knowing that I had this time, with this friend, in this place, is also enough to keep me going for a while.

I'm going to press back that wall of dread. I want to bash a sledgehammer through that wall and let some of this relaxation and delicious pause seep into my post-holiday life. I'm adding this to the goals of building a buffer zone, finding time for writing, and being round again. Who knows? I pushed the wall of dread back today. Maybe I can do it tomorrow, too. I really only have to push it back one moment at a time. That's enough.