pretty girl discount (PDG)

"Pretty Girl Discount" is the phrase I use to refer to the times when good-looking people (generally women) get special treatment just because they're good-looking. Attractive people get better service, get little extras, get away with things that others don't. It's not fair. It is, however, the way of the world. It genuinely irritates justice-loving me, but I'm pragmatic enough to not get my knickers in a knot about it. It's not a behaviour I like, but it's a behaviour I understand. The real challenge for me, though, is that lately, from time to time, for the first time in my life, I seem to be on the receiving end of it. Egad!

How did this happen? I consider myself pretty ordinary looking. I've never been what you'd call a "looker", not model material. It took me years of therapy and personal mental and emotional work to get beyond the low self-esteem fostered by powerful forces in my childhood and youth, but I did manage to get beyond it, to get to a place of health and and an acceptance of my body, my looks, me. But Pretty Girl Discount was outside my experience.

Then....

I took up working out on the seawall pretty seriously (five or six hours a week, to maintain mental balance),

and changed my eating habits (depression and pneumonia knocked my appetite out for a month or so and then I adopted new habits-- eating less than my previous habitual consumption dictated),

and started going blonde (it's white or grey that's mixing in with my strawberry-blonde hair, but if everyone wants to see my hair as blonde, why not let them?),

and started wearing nothing but dresses and skirts with separates (I fell in love with Narcissist Design Company when I hit a fabulous a warehouse sale and it changed my wardrobe completely),

and took up tango (dancing 6 to 12 hours a week).

The culminating effect? In the words of my favourite tanguero, "You're tall and blonde and have a beautiful body, so of course you'll get a lot of attention on the dance floor." What!?!? The shocking thing is, I can't deny it. It's true. I'm tall. I'm blonde. I have a beautiful body. And I find myself regularly in a setting that is not shy about acknowledging this. There are men-- actual living, breathing men who think I'm "hot" (their word). Oh dear.

On the one hand, it's just delicious. I get asked to dance, asked out, flirted with. I turn heads. (What a bizarre sensation!) Shopping isn't the hell it once was. I wear a size 6 or 8 instead of a 12 or 14. All of this would have been a lot handier when I was 24, or even 32, but if I get a short run at it at 42, I'm not going to turn my back on it. I know it won't last.

On the other hand, it's uncomfortable. I get asked to dance, asked out, flirted with. The attention is not always welcome. I worry about being the object of jealousy, despised by the women who want desperately to dance but end up sitting on the sidelines waiting. I worry about being liked for what I look like rather than for who I am. I'd rather be judged for my generosity or intelligence than my figure. I don't like that when a particular gentleman gives me extra attention on the dance floor, my regular dance partners assume I'm "with" someone and no longer ask me to dance. I don't like it when a milonga turns into a competition (a.k.a. pissing contest) instead of a simple evening out with everyone looking to enjoy themselves. I don't like how behaviours change. How some get shy, some get bold, some get ridiculous.

It's all been a bit odd. Generally, I keep my head on my shoulders and just enjoy the fact that I'm at what is probably the highest fitness level of my life. I'm strong and healthy. I haven't had a cold all winter. Clothes fit me better and that makes it easier to face the world, somehow. I feel closer to the "je me sens bien dans ma peau" holy grail I've been seeking all my life. BUT relationships are just as complicated as ever, men are as confusing as ever, my spiritual life is as wracked with doubt as ever, my dreams feels as unattainable and as undeniable as ever, and I'm still not sure where I'm going or how I'm going to get there. Pretty Girl Discount doesn't make anything easier, it just changes the problems a bit; some are smaller, others are bigger, nothing much is clearer.

In sum, Pretty Girl Discount isn't all I thought it was.