false positive

I had the last test today to confirm that the positive mammogram result I got last month was a false positive. The ultrasound technician was very reassuring and there will be a good report from the radiologist in a day or two.

We put together our tests for breast cancer in order to detect the disease at its most treatable, early stages. It's valuable information, so women subject themselves to the painful poking and prodding, hoping to find relief from the terrifying "what if" of breast cancer. There's a high rate of false positives in the basic screening, so every positive result is examined carefully, scrutinized from every angle, subjected to analysis beside other, more sophisticated tests. The doctors and radiologists and technicians are obliged to assume the worst and seek the best-- this is the motivation for the investigation. "We must be very, very sure," they say.

I looked at the statistics and told myself it was likely a false positive. I couldn't entirely shake off the possibility, but it loomed fairly distantly most of the time. The morning of that first "we must be very, very sure" test, it occured to me in a BIG way that I might not be on the lucky side of the statistics. The "what if" of cancer took on a lot of very scary implications. Some weeks and four tests later, everyone is satisfied that the mass they suspected is not a mass at all. I do not have breast cancer. They're sure that it's now time for good news.

Thinking about the "false positive" thing tonight, I found myself wishing there were a test for the other falsely assumed facts in my life. What if it were possible to nip in the bud every hurtful lie that ever entered my mind, dismissing it before it takes hold and feels like fact, like "the way it is"? How grand it would be if I could identify every unfounded pseudo-fact that ever felt like truth, if I could plainly see-- like a dark shadow on an x-ray-- every lie that has ever undermined my health or confidence. What if I could name it, expose it, and then boldly declare, "This is a false positive! You were so damn sure that this was true, but it's NOT!"? How many false assumptions would crumble to dust?

May I have the diligence and wisdom to ferret out the truth, to scrutinize and chuck the lies. May I be very, very sure.