in praise of parenting peers

Parenting is hard. I don't know a single parent who thinks they've got the job nailed. They tell me, all of them, in their more vulnerable moments, that they think they're bad parents, making mistakes left right and centre, as if they're the only ones who struggle. I feel like Moaike Confessor sometimes. They don't know that every parent thinks that. (There. Now you know. Perfection is a myth. Let it go.)

The truth and beauty of parenting is that parents have the privilege of seeing people grow from scratch. Parents get to see their children change from cells joining cells in utero into walking, talking, shocking human beings. But there are days they bring out your worst. They test your patience, trample on your feelings, and break your heart. And, if that weren't enough, it often seems like the world and all its uglies are out to get them and you hate that parenting doesn't come with superpowers that can protect them from that ugliness. God gave you Mama Bear protective instincts, but didn't make you omniscient or omnipotent or wise beyond all knowing. How is that fair?

Maybe the power is in the simple things. Memories of moments that make it all worthwhile. Maybe?

Today I held a babe not yet four days old. She fidgetted for a while then started to cry. I walked and rocked and made soothing sounds and she not only stopped crying, she fell asleep. I find there is little more calming and reassuring than the feel of a content baby, heavy with sleep, warm against my body. My own breathing slows. I feel like I know my place in the world-- for the moment the only thing that matters is the tender trust of this little one in my arms. I wonder if every parent could plug themselves into that kind of calm reassurance, a memory of their own offspring in that state, if it would take all that parenting tension down a notch or two.

That still leaves the world and all its ugliness. What can you do about that? Is there enough reassurance in the thought that, in spite of the mean kids at school and the name-calling and the myriad miseries of childhood and adolescence, you made it through? A little the worse for wear, but you made it.

There are no easy answers in parenting. I do recommend one thing though: share. It's not all up to you.

And to all my friends who share their children and their parenting triumphs and miseries, thank you. Thank you for the privilege of watching your babies come into the world, for the privilege of holding them, caring for them, and sharing in the exhuberance of play with them. When I am Moaike to your children, I feel like I'm at my best. When you trust me with your hopes and fears as parents, I feel like I'm a part of something extraordinary-- the fearful and joyful mystery of nurturing human beings.

And, by the way, you're doing an amazing job.